Okay, so Anna was not engaging on the page. When you all said, “Start with the casino” or at least “Cut the bit with Mom,” I realized that I needed to reboot Anna completely. No more twin sets or get-along girl; she could have flaws that weren’t boring. And also since Nate’s Chapter Two was coming right up and he was going to blow Anna off the page, syntactically speaking, I had to really up her game.
So I talked about it with Bob and then did the rewrite and sent it to him, and he did some tweaking, and we now have the rewrite, which will not be the last but is pretty close.
If you don’t like it, it’s your fault.
Arresting Anna Part One, the Rewrite
(We’ll get to Chad tomorrow.)
43 Responses
All right! Now we’ve got a protagonist with a goal (dump Jason) from the very beginning. And then the inciting event happens, and we’re off to the races (story)!
This new first scene has so much more energy, and I didn’t start skimming until I got to where it was mostly what I’d already read, and I only skimmed because I had already read it, not because it was bogged down.
I liked the original 1st chapter but having read the revised one, I can definitely understand why you changed it! I can’t wait for this to come out so I can read the whole thing.
I’m in. You’ve definitely turned it round.
Wow! That is a big change and I am so here for it! I didn’t think that I disliked Anna, but I like this person immediately. My only critique is that now she doesn’t seem like someone who would worry about upsetting her boss. I feel like she might need a different reason for agreeing to go to Atlantic City?
One minor thing that I found a bit confusing (it was already implicit in the earlier draft, but it seemed more prominent here) is that Anna recounts that she already explicitly told Jason in response to his ultimatum that she chose the dog, not him. That sounded like a breakup to me. So it would make sense if the next morning Jason made up a story that he did the breaking up and accidentally on purpose sent it as a Reply All so that everyone would see his version first. But instead, we read that Anna is planning on breaking up with Jason, which would make sense only if he temporized and withdrew the ultimatum, which is nowhere said, and if Anna let him get away with that, she’s showing as weaker or at least more vacillating than I think we wanted her. So I like my version better: Anna already broke up and is looking with some trepidation at her first post-Jason day, only to run into his dastardly ploy.
And I still think a heart attack should draw more of a reaction from everyone than we get. I mean, those are often fatal, probably making irrelevant the whole delivery thing. So I still think the EMTs should come for some lesser reason like a bad fall.
On rereading, I believe it’s only the line, “We’re getting rid of Jason today.” that indicates that the breakup hasn’t already happened. So that should be easy to fix.
I have now read the Nate chapter as well, which changes some minor points that caused a little confusion in the last draft, and I think points up Nate’s character deficiencies a little more strongly, although it’s been a while since I read that draft.
So all now looks pretty good.
P.S., I noticed that the day of week at the museum scene has moved to Friday for reasons that presumably will eventually become clear.
Speaking of the week, would Anna actually work six days per week? “[It] did not involve sitting in the front seat of my ancient Prius looking at a building we went into six days a week.” That seems a lot for a museum that is not even very heavily visited. I hadn’t got the impression that Anna was so invested in her work as to be putting in voluntary extra hours (and even if she works less than 8 hours a day, it messes up personal schedules). If the museum is open on Saturday and Sunday better to serve the public, it could close on two weekdays, or close on just one and stagger the staff schedules to cover the sixth day.
Nate gets called in to the boss’s office early on Sunday morning which shows what a hardass she is. To get to that date, this has to start on Friday. And yes, it took considerable rewriting in the months past to get the days right. ARGH.
Six days a week is still up in the air. Must talk to Bob.
I often work six days a week at my museum. Especially if there is a public program to prepare for on Monday, or to clean up after. Then take a few hours off some other day to make up for it here and there.
Sarah, Often is not always, as Anna’s remark to Johnny seems to imply. Back when still working (not at a museum), I myself often came in on Saturday when it was quiet and I could hear myself think. I took time off to make up either earlier in the same week (thus only working 5 days) or in another (when I might work only 4 days).
I really think it’s like Sarah’s situation; it’s the kind of job you end up going in extra for. I did that when I was teaching all the time, and that technically was five days a week, but there was no way I could get everything done in that time.
She’s teaching, she’s giving lectures, she’s writing stuff for the website, she’s working out lesson plans based on the collection, she needs to be in there a lot. Plus she’s living in an efficiency pool house, so not much room to work there.
Does Anna teach art to children on Saturdays or Sundays? Then she should get Mondays off.
The museum gets most of its traffic on weekends. She teaches on Saturdays when the kids are out of school. We’re trying to figure out when she gets her day off and she may not get one the week of this book because Bob is writing it with me and Much Violent Stuff Happens.
This flows so well into chapter 2 now. Our girl is back.
Thumbs up!
This is great. I agree with Gin that Anna now has a clear goal and the scene is much more focused.
I like Patrick’s view that Jason *oops* hit Reply All to get his version of the story out before Anna had a chance to say anything. As a Master of the Universe no sane woman would dump, he would refuse to hear “It’s the dog.” Anna knew that she would have to deliver the message more than once for it to get through.
I think he probably said something like, “I’ll let you think this over,” or something so she did and decided he had to go.
And he definitely posted that on purpose and she knows it.
I like that. I think you should include that he said it. (It would be so him.)
Well done on the re-write Jenny. Like this version much better, Anna comes over as less of a wimp. She also comes over as someone people like and support. Johnny is still adorable. Like how she summed up her morning at the end of the chapter.
Good to re-read the start of Nate’s story too – its been a while since I read the earlier version so can’t spot the tweaks. Still like him and it got its point across. Can’t wait to read the novel now.
YES!
The rewrite is perfect. Love Anna and Johnny. Nate is Nate GO Bob.
Love it!
Currently re-reading Lavender’s Blue, and now this has that same energy.
Hi, just catching up on all the very exciting book revision drama. I have one small thought for what little it’s worth- Anna seems a character trying to repress her inner badassness and being the good sweater set girl, and in that respect reminds me a bit of Agnes, who I adore.
One thing I loved about Agnes was her inner dialogue thing with her psychiatrist, as they were hilarious and also illustrated her inner conflict.
Any chance Anna could have some instances of mental communion perhaps with the grandmother whose purse she cherishes? She could get some imagined snarky grandma advice back or it could be a one way thing where she could communicate her frustration and annoyance without having to ‘tell’ the reader. Grandma could be a mental ally against her mother’s expectations too.
I could imagine a pretty satisfied ‘that’s my girl!’ when Anna finally breaks out of her shell.
All this is mainly just to say I love Agnes’s inner voice and want more!
Joining the chorus – this Anna is definitely more exciting. We know she teaches, she has red hair, a rescue dog and according to her twit of an ex, doesn’t dress professionally. Sounds like my kind of FMC!
Love it! I can’t much remember the other one but I know my reaction wasn’t as all-fire positive as reading it this time. Now I must have the rest of the book immediately!
MUCH better. The explanation of her hair color helps. In the earlier versions I thought you were saying she had it dyed cherry red, which just added to the impression that she was putting on a costume, not getting dressed for work.
By George, I think you’ve got it!
I agree that the boss’s heart attack still needs a bigger reaction. (I would be concerned if a perfect stranger had one, nonetheless someone I worked with every day.) And I like adding the bit about Jason telling her to think it over, which would explain why she thinks she has to make it really clear to him that she broke up with him. And I also think it needs to be made clear that she (or Gracie) knows he sent the email to everyone on purpose. The last bit is still a tiny wobbly. But SO much better.
Love the changes. Now Anna feels like a Crusie heroine!
Sigh.
Shush up, Bob.
Good work, Jenny! This new Anna chapter gets things off to a roaring start. Johnny still gets the spotlight, and we learn more about why Jason is such a loser in the romance department. I wonder if TK is also an incompetent loser such that no one cares if he is about to leave this mortal coil? I guess we will find out.
Poor Nate, he should listen to his inner voice more. But, why was the guy sleeping on the couch? And why did he have a gun so handy? And is the whole department there crooked?
Jan, Jenny has partly explained in the past. It all makes sense. If you don’t remember, all the more surprise when you get to it!
Jan, My comments were on the Nate part. I don’t know about TK, who sounds like he’s been making deals with the wrong people and is in trouble because of it, either with them or with the law.
Awesome.
What, you want more? I think it really does resolve the concerns you were having, in a great way. Can’t wait to read it!
YES!! Anna is engaging, and stuff is happening, I love it (I actually shouted “yes!!” out loud and startled the partner).
And thank you all VERY MUCH.
I enjoyed the first draft,but must agree with everyone else this rewrite draws you in.Very much looking forward to the completed book.
I like it a lot. If I read this in a Look Inside I would hit the buy button.
So much better. I think two of the reasons (which may be helpful as you rewrite the rest but if not ignore me! ) are that it starts us right in the middle of the action and instead of descriptions we get interactions with other people that convey the same info in more engaging ways.
Love it! Now I REALLY can’t wait to read the book. It’s all I can do not to start bouncing like a kid asking “Are we there yet?” 😀
Yep! This is all Crusie now 🙂
In general I like it much better – except for the first 2 paragraphs. I wouldn’t mention anything if it weren’t the first 2 paragraphs but …. If I didn’t know your writing I would possibly have stopped reading by the end of them. Mostly they felt line emotionless info dumps of details for the most part.
For my part, I would be happier to have the book start with Anna telling her dog that things were going to change today – with whichever emotional cadence you want to emphasize. But you are at your best when you are writing conversation so why not tell the dog you are going to go into that museum and break up with the jerk? But with your style.
And I really hate to say it because I don’t think most people here would agree, but your dog mix is just too long to put in the first little bit for me. Can’t you slip the mix into the paragraph when you say she picked up the dog and Jason at about the same time? Or somewhere else? Why is it mix (not the dog’s character) taking star space right away?
But you know – take it all with a grain of salt. I have loved virtually all the books you have written and some are all time favorites. I just think the beginning of Agnes or Temptation has a lot more emotional resonance for me.