73 Responses

1. I don’t see any comments here so I might be shouting into the void… but here goes– thoughts from the perspective of someone who is a semi-frequent peruser and very occasional commenter here, but has been reading your work since the 1990s. When I read the chapter, I found myself skimming pretty consistently. I think this was more about how I interpreted Anna’s voice and affect than anything to do with the events she was narrating– she talks a lot, she kind of overwhelmed me with minutia about her daily life (the kind of interaction where you listen with half an ear and a quarter of your brain, and say “uh-huh” a lot), and she also gave me the impression of being pretty much checked out of her own life (in the interest of disclosure, that last bit may have been projection). The flatness of her was also kind of a strange contrast with all of the quirkiness that’s written into her environment and how she describes herself. My suggestion, therefore, would be to start the chapter when she pulls up at work, and things start happening that she needs to react to. Granted, as I haven’t read the whole book I don’t know what the pre-work content is seeding for later on, but thinking about it, before she got to work I’d learned from the chapter that a) that she has a very cute dog who she loves a lot (could learn at work, since he goes to work with her); b) that she’s from a family and community with money but doesn’t have much herself, since she lives in a pool house, has a job in the cultural heritage sector, and drives an old car (could learn that as she pulls up/as she goes); c) that she is or was in a romance of convenience with her boss, who is a pill (could learn that at work when he dumps her via reply-all); and d) that her mom wants her to date her sketchy cousin (I read into that a subtext that her mom really wants her to get a life and move out of her pool house but doesn’t want to say so, but YMMV), which could also be a mention. I think I would have been a lot more ready to go along with Anna when she gets to the museum and has to start dealing with humiliation and the museum-owning family (I forgot their name) and presumably when she gets shaken up in future chapters, if I hadn’t already developed a habit of not being engaged with her, if that makes sense.

   1. Excellent point. It doesn’t matter what happens in future chapters if she’s a drag in this one. You’re right. That first chunk is problematical.

      1. I would cut the first chunk entirely. If it starts with her arriving at work to find out the boss broke up with her in a group email, you’re getting into action right away, and there’s not all that extraneous detail about her clothing, her dog, her room, her cousin…
         To tell you the hard cold truth, that chapter reads like the worst of Stephanie Plum. (Grandma Mazur frequently had a gun in her purse.)
         I used to like Stephanie but she hasn’t aged well and you’re a much better writer than Janet Evanovich.

   2. After reading most of the comments, I think Corinne has her thumb on the biggest problem – too much background, and things are not moving fast enough. She doesn’t need to wake up and get up and get dressed where we can see her. She doesn’t need to tell us about bad date, mother, dog, clothes etc. and then drive to work. Start where something changes? which feels like at work – standard entrance, but 1) dumped by Reply All, 2) her boss has a heart attack, 3) now she has to go to Vegas. A lot of her physical details can be noticed and reflected by others: “nice glasses!” “stain on your shirt?” “hiiii puppy!” etc. which could help get that info across and not get bogged down. I’m happy to meet her mother later on, and see the pool house through some one else’s eyes later on.

      My memory of Anna is the entire Vegas bit, with none of the groundwork laid, and it was fun starting there! All the energy, none of the background – cool, I’ll catch up!

2. I didn’t actually skim, but I agree with Corinne re bouncing off Anna – and it being better to start when she arrives at work. I know you want to cut, but I felt you needed to slow down and let me connect with Anna, preferably because she’s actually feeling something rather than being clever. Maybe a bit less dog and a bit more emotion?

   1. LESS DOG?????
      Otherwise, yes, you’re right.

      1. Not necessarily less dog, but maybe not a detailed description of him before any action

3. I don’t think I can give the chapter my full attention until tomorrow, since my brain seems to be giving out for today, but I did read the opening scene. It’s definitely in better shape than the last time I read it, but now that it’s been pointed out by Corinne, I must agree that it reads like one long infodump and I agree that any details from it that you really need can surely be fed into the scene starting with Anna’s arrival at the museum, or at even later points.

   1. That really is the problem with openings, I just want to set everything up. Now that it’s been pointed out to me–duh–yeah that first bit clunks.

      Thank you all!

      1. I’m pretty sure the first chapter of book two in my new cozy series has the same problem. Sigh. My brain is also giving out for the day, but I’ll take a look at it tomorrow morning. Hang in there, Crusie. Nothing but good times ahead. And probably zombies, if Bob has anything to say about it.

         1. Okay, I read it anyway. Because it’s you. I actually think part of the beginning is okay. It’s really just the first few paragraphs I find jarring. (And I can’t BELIEVE I’m saying this, but there is actually too much dog.) Having her wake up in the pool house is fine, but it needs to move faster. The Chad thing gave me the icks. I think it’s too much, especially these days. Just my opinion. And her boss has a heart attack and her only reaction is to think that now she can get out of her date with her cousin? This is not a good look.

            1. Also, Chad adds nothing to the story. Unless he’s important later, please throw him out a window.

4. I like the reference to Johnny as a mix, followed by the reference to the mom as also a mix, but then the Johnny mix is explained again, later. Duplicating that seems a bit much. It’s just hard to get to know a character if there isn’t some daily life thrown in. You have your work cut out for you, trying to pare that down.

5. I am throwing Chad out the window with Deborah. If he matters at all later in the book just keep the line about him on Gracie’s door. That’s all we need about him anyway and a much better way to meet him.

   I think Johnnie would be better met as a character “Johnnie barked speaking f for us all” and if necessary you can have someone ask what he is later and get in that’s he’s a …. Mix. She thinks. But as he’s a rescue she can’t be sure.
   His history and profile do kot belong in the first chapter.
   Also totally agree Anna starts by arriving at the museum.

6. Agreed, it should start when she rolls up to work, and does Chad really matter being the red sharpie note?
   And I think that the almost-last paragraph telling Gracie about her day so far is all that we need to know about her mom wanting her to marry her cousin, etc.

   1. Beyond* the sharpie note, not being.

7. A very warm and not a little awestruck hello to you, Jenny, and your friends,

   Having never contributed to this or any other blog, I apologize in advance if I offend anyone. As I am not familiar with how to converse in this medium, I am treating this like my one kamikaze jump into the abyss.

   I have been a longtime ‘silent appreciator’ of your community. Over the last few years, the questions, discussions, recommendations, humor, respect, and warmth(!) of your blog have been made it one of George Macdonald’s silver threads in my life. Thank you, Jenny, for being candid and forthright, as it has helped the ugliness of the last few years recede a little. I thank you, too, for providing the reason and the place where I can sit quietly and listen to good people talk about good stuff.

   As I have spent the last few weeks in the company of some very dear friends (Welcome to Temptation, Faking It, the Liz and Vince trilogy…) and periodically dropping by for what is my virtual coffee klatsch (even if I don’t actually say anything) I could not not answer your request today, Jenny. Please consider my impressions are those of a layperson, an average (but enormously appreciative) reader and that I have no idea what is the appropriate etiquette when offering feedback to a professional. I’m writing as I have for my family or my friends.

   Regarding the first chapter of Arresting Anna:
   Re: Section w/Lucianna
   1) Unfamiliar as I am with the plot or characters of the novel, I don’t know what information is essential to include in light of Things That Happen Later. I may be imagining (or hoping for?) tensions between Anna and Lucianna where there aren’t any. I hear patient, if put-upon, love (but not affection, unless it’s for Johnny), and tempered exasperation. I don’t hear anger, resentment (others than over the absence of grandkids), shock…

   2) This first section can probably stand the most trimming, especially if one or two word details are used to tighten everything up. Even the use of snapped, groaned, ordered, prodded etc in lieu of “said” (“‘Get up, Annie,’ my mother said as she- insert adverb that maybe contrasts? echoes? the how Lucianna ‘said’ “‘Get up, Annie,”) would be really helpful in drawing the lines of and between the characters here.

   3) It might add definition to Anna’s characterization to know the precise shades of green and red of her sweater set.

   4) Unless the health of Lucianna, Anna, or another character are threads that will be introduced later, perhaps the explicit references are not necessary. If they do foreshadow later events, though, maybe the exchange about Lucianna perhaps not letting Anna know that she’s ill is enough…?

   5) The last two lines above the pound sign are confusing to me. I don’t think what we know so far about Anna, any of the other characters, or Anna’s relationships/history with them has provided the underpinnings upon which these two statements can rest.

   6) The section w/Anna and her mom raised a lot of ‘why’ questions for me that, were they addressed in a minimal way, would better delineate the characters and the tension(s) at play:
   – why is the pool house sized and kitted out to be an efficiency? (aren’t they usually spacious, utilitarian (showers and changing area), or a shed?)
   – why is Anna living in the pool house instead of inside the house?
   – what kind of house (and home) does Lucianna keep?
   – is Lucianna’s meddling in Anna’s love life unusual?
   – what is the comment that Lucianna “would hunt Jason down, and I really didn’t want to deal with that” referencing? (was Anna concerned that Lucianna would be like Connie in Married to the Mob or something a bit more benign, like Celeste in SoapDish?)
   – why does Anna have such a…tempered? detached? flat?…affect throughout this section?
   – why/how did Anna end up in a relationship with Jason?
   – more to the point, why wasn’t Anna insulted/hurt/offended by Jason’s denigration of her personal appearance? (“He was upsetting me” is emotionally distant identification rather than a visceral response…which maybe is the point…? Then again, the tenor of her response when Brigette tells her he’s broken up w/her via a group email is entirely the opposite- very visceral….)
   – why is Anna opposed to, trepidatious about, or uncomfortable with marriage?
   – I may be mistaken but, other than the reference in the 3rd line above the pound sign, there is only one reference to Anna’s mother as also being in need of marriage…why?

   Re: Section at the Keppler Museum
   1) The initial description of Bridget is told without providing any sense of who or how she moves through the world around her. Is she warm? friendly? sarcastic? quietly observant? authoritative?…. Maybe some exchange between Bridget and Anna can convey the trust? affection? professionalism? and make unnecessary some or all of the statement about the three reasons she’s one of Anna’s favorite people?

   2) Unless Chad’s genealogy is needed for Things Later, it seems extraneous. Maybe it could be mentioned conversationally at some other point in the novel? I mention this because the descriptor that Chad “put the I in incel” is really damning and, to my ear, necessitates substantiation.

   3) Anna’s tone(?), the words and expressions she uses, even the rhythm of her words and interactions seems very different from those of the first section…why? Which is closer to her ‘real’ character’s voice?

   ——-
   Anyway. Those were just some of my impressions. I sincerely hope they may be useful.

   Wishing you all the best-

   1. Welcome out of lurk! And you are an expert: You’re a reader and that’s who I need to hear from.
      But mostly I’m just so happy that this community has served you so well. They are marvelous people, aren’t they!

8. Yeah, all valid points and Corinne nailed it. If it weren’t you – and I wasn’t going to read everything you wrote – I would drop this reading this chapter. Anna doesn’t strike me as someone I would care about following on her journey. Write WAY less about the dog and drop Chad. [I love dogs, but his background, colors, coat description, etc. are really NOT that interesting.]

   1. That is the problem, isn’t it? I can’t get Anna on the page.

   2. Exactly! I didn’t want to say, but I wouldn’t have read past the first scene if this weren’t Jenny’s book.
      As it was, I took a break before finishing and felt a little sniffly.

9. I agree with Corinne that it needs to begin as she gets to work. However, I have to say I do adore the bit about why SHE broke up with the ratfink – her cloths, her hair, her dog. But it isn’t necessary because he Replied All and that and the fact that he was having a side-piece tells us all we really need to know. Also why do the eyeglasses count – didn’t like the reference in the previous draft and wonder why it is still there. Is it to make her quirky? I like her fine when she gets to work and starts to interact with people (even Chad). Johnny barking just goes to show he is smart, and I really do not care about his genetic make up – I love him whatever.
   If I’m honest I loved it and would keep it all but, if it needs cut – cut the pre-work stuff. We can find out later about where she lives. Anna explained to her pal that Mom wants her to date her cousin, it is all present after she gets to work – or could be incorporated into that chat with her bestie if it is needed later in the plot. What she is wearing, if it is important, can be worked in later too.
   Thank you for asking and please know that will willing read anything by you.

   1. Well, I do think it’s worth including that he told Anna to pick him or the dog abd she picked the dog. I like that about her.

10. I still haven’t had my coffee (I did finish Wordle), so any additional comments later, but it struck me overnight that the canine problem is not too much dog as such, but too much Humans Talking About the Dog. The ONLY thing Johnny himself does in the first scene is “make a commotion.” If the whole scene gets cut it won’t matter directly, but it does restore my faith that you can (almost) never have too much dog. But that means the dog doing things.

11. I agree with so many about the opening and Chad, but I also felt the paragraph dedicated to the co workers silky hair was either unnecessary or overkill.

12. Also I don’t think she would talk about her clothes or her glasses. She would take them for granted. I think we learn about them from what others say about her. Like if you keep the mom in the first scene mom could say can’t you wear something clean an Anna can say it’s clean it’s just what happens when teach art. Or someone else can comment on the funky glasses — I can see her friend commenting on the newest version .

    1. I’m not sure I agree about this. People think about what they’re wearing, especially if they love it and they’re used to being criticized or it is part of their identity. I might think about which Life is Good tee shirt I’m picking out for the day, and what it says about my mood or where I’m going. And the glasses themselves are fine, but unless she’s rich, she’s not going to have dozens of pairs of prescription glasses–those things are expensive.
       As an author, I think it is important for the reader to have some kind of image of the protagonist in their heads pretty early on. But it might all be able to be moved to getting to work, or cut down.

       1. Sure she might say “which glasses will I wear today? I feel like …”
          She won’t comment on why she had paint on her clothes etc

       2. Two comments on the expense of glasses. Anna is only 33, and her prescription glasses are probably a darn sight cheaper than mine, especially if she’s willing to trade sturdiness for fashion, which would be easier if she has many pairs.

          Also, there apparently is this option:
          Magnetic Interchangeable Eyeglass Frames – Pair Eyewear https://share.google/suLlRrvI995CaPmAM

          1. My foster daughter has 8 cheap pairs.

       3. Reading glasses, people, you can six pairs for ten bucks online. I have dozens.

          Sigh, but she’s wearing prescription glasses, so yes, I screwed up.

          1. Maybe she has an album of glasses frame she’d like to have someday. Because the kind she’s looking at are really expensive

          2. Jenny, I think you’re okay. I suggested magnetic frames above, but even for actually multiple pairs of glasses of the most inexpensive sort, I guesstimated that someone needing just basic lenses and willing to accept breakable frames (a reasonable compromise when you have multiple backup pairs) could get by for $50 a pair, or at maybe a tenth of what my own sturdier glasses with complicated lenses cost. I asked the Google AI, which reports in part:

             >>The lowest reasonable cost for basic prescription glasses is about $7 to $30 online, or around $50 to $100 at discount brick-and-mortar stores. This price includes basic plastic lenses and simple frames, but it usually excludes shipping fees or premium lens coatings.Online RetailersZenni Optical: Prices start around $6.95 for basic frames and single-vision lenses.Eyebuydirect: Frames and basic lenses begin near $19.GlassesUSA: Budget options often start around $30 with basic sales.In-Store RetailersWalmart Vision Center: Complete basic glasses start near $40 to $50.Costco Optical: Budget pairs generally start around $60 to $80 (membership required).Target Optical: Basic value packages start around $90.Hidden Costs to WatchShipping fees: Online stores add $5 to $10 for delivery.Lens upgrades: Thin lenses or anti-glare coatings add $20 to $50

13. I agree with others that I’ll read anything written by you, so hate the idea of losing several thousand of your words if you pare this down: not sure a faster start is worth giving up details like her clothes, glasses, residence that help establish her personality and relationship with her mother…

    1. I don’t think she has to give them up. She has to move them later and put them in other people’s mouths. Anna should take her quirks for granted.

    2. They just have to go somewhere else. It really doesn’t matter if the words are good if they’re bad for story, slow it down. This is why authors scream while rewriting. But the reader comes first on the final draft: Do not bore them or bury them with detail they do not want. Yet.

14. Since you ask:

    Agreeing with above that unless Chad is absolutely essential to the plot, he should go. One shitty man per chapter is plenty.

    As to Johnny, we don’t really need to know his antecedents ( which are given twice). “Rescue mutt” plus the physical description would get the job done just fine. 🙂

    Additionally, it’s not so much that there are too many characters, but that all of them are interfering in Anna’s life at once in ways that don’t seem organic. What’s the main point of the chapter? Setting up the necessity for Anna to go to Atlantic City? How does teaching kids art classes add up to her being the one who would go do whatever for the museum? Does any of the rest of it add up to that?

    My main problem with this introduction to Anna is the same as the first time you let us read Chapter 1: that relationship with Jason. In a small professional world like that of museums, it’s career suicide. It says “this allegedly grown-up (at 33!) and allegedly intelligent woman who seems to truly love her job made a really stupid decision for a man who she doesn’t even seem to like.”

    Now, if Jason had simply been TRYING to get into Anna’s pants, that’s a whole different flavor of work conflict which is consistent with whatever chicanery he’s been involved in. It puts him solidly in the wrong. We’ve all had that job.

    No matter how beloved Anna is and how well she does her job, Jason absolutely could fire her, for any reason, let alone refusing to stop bringing the dog to work. He’s the general manager. It’s a small town in a red state. For him to send an email to anybody about their relationship is shitty and also unnecessary – all he needs to do to discredit her and set her on the road to unpleasant HR meetings (if this museum has HR), a write-up, and eventual firing is point to the dog.

    Sorry, this got long. I hate Jason and the fact of Jason. His presence makes me disrespect Anna. 🙁 This chapter doesn’t tell me anything about why I should love and empathize with Anna. She reads like a self-saboteur.

    1. re-reading, I see that the state is New Jersey, so apologies for “red state” – I think it was the workplace sexual harassment that sent me there!

    2. “One shitty man per chapter is plenty.”

       Ha! Yes. I love this! Not just as a rule for fiction, but a rule for life too! One shitty person in my life at a time, please.

       Not a comment on this story, but I was reading or watching something recently (eminently forgettable apparently because I don’t recall what) and absolutely everyone except the protagonist was a terrible person, and it just got to be too much. There are a lot of terrible people in the world, but I prefer them in small doses!

    3. Well, now I think about it, doesn’t the officewide email blast set Anna up nicely to file a sexual harrassment lawsuit; he fired her because she turned him down.

       1. It absolutely would give her that kind of leverage. 🙂

          1. Nope, he didn’t fire her, he dumped her. She’s still working there and her job is secure.

             And he’s not her boss. That’s TK, the museum president. He’s the business manager, she’s education. He does not tell her what to teach and she does not tell him what to spend money on.

             Another detail I should include. ARGH.

             Not sure I agree about only two louses a chapter. My life is full of them. They come not single spies but in battalions.

             1. In Poetics (in the decent translations that say “plausible,” not “probable,” which makes no sense in modern English), Aristotle reminds us that fiction is not life, and [even] a plausible impossibility is to be preferred to an implausible possibility. Louses undoubtedly sometimes come in batallions in real life, but it may be artistic overkill to portray Chad right after Jason, unless perhaps that’s the last straw that is what drives Anna over the edge into agreeing to a one-nighter with Nate?

15. Hi Jenny —
    I’ve read the first section, up to #. (Anna is leaving the compound.) I haven’t read the comments so far. I can show you the kinds of comments I make. If they help you, I’ll do more. If not, that’s fine. I’m looking forward to reading the rest of the chapter

    Arresting Anna, first section
    replace “making a commotion” (barked)
    cut “an Italian-American mix”
    cut “it’s an efficiency pool house, everything”
    cut “in small small part” “at all times”
    cut “once again”
    tighten “the ears, making his”
    allow yourself one multi-clause sentence for each simple sentence.
    Terrific end to fist section.

16. Just shoot someone.

    1. Chad. Definitely Chad.

       1. As it happens later . . .

          1. All right!!

    2. I second the Chad. Let’s shoot Chad, PLEASE.

    3. That made me laugh. Perfect timing. No notes.

17. I went back to the chapter, because I had completely missed Chad. I had stopped reading at the extensive description of the building. Maybe that could come later? I like knowing how houses and other buildings are laid out, but not this early, until I know how they figure in the MC’s life.

    Also, I agree that Chad is very annoying. Chad is the Hermione Witch of this story. Even as comic relief, he is just no one we want to know about. The conversation with Gracie could be pared down. This is, indeed, a lot to get through, before there is some action. When is she going to take out her grandmother’s cute little gun? When is Johnny going to bite one of these annoying jerks?

    1. Also, my first thought was, is it really safe to carry around a purse with a gun in it, especially if you are carrying your active dog around with you? That really jarred me. I’m assuming it has some importance to the story later, and maybe it’s just that I’m not a gun person (sorry Bob), but the idea of just carrying one around at the bottom of your purse with the Altoids or whatever seems really risky. I spend a lot of time rooting through the pockets and bottom of my purse trying to find my phone or my wallet or whatever. I wouldn’t want to have a loose gun in there. I’d definitely shoot myself. (Although maybe I could use that to justify “accidentally” shooting Chad…)

       1. Deborah, I am not a gun person, either, but they do have safeties to keep them from going off accidentally. I have learned a lot about this from reading these Crusie-Mayer books!

          1. I know that safeties exist on guns. What I don’t know is how susceptible they are to jarring, etc. I toss my purse all over the place.

       2. Isn’t it lacking a firing pin? I was under the opinion that the gun wasn’t functional.

    2. Johnny does not bite.

       Obviously, that’s Chekhov’s gun in that purse, so later for that.

18. I enjoyed it because I enjoy your snark and your finely tuned sense of the ridiculous. So I didn’t actually skim anything. But I did feel that it seemed a bit frantic and a bit infodumpy, like you’re trying to cram as much backstory and description into too small a space. But you know that already. Fewer descriptions, maybe? Like maybe move the description of Anna’s curly red hair into another chapter. Like other people have said, maybe cut the description of the argument with the boyfriend, and just have Anna tell her friend, when they ask why the guy sent an email, that he said to pick him or the dog, and she picked the dog. That says it all there, right?

19. I think everyone has said enough for you to chew on.
    I just want to thank you for letting us into your process! It is generous and vulnerable to do that, especially when you have a lot of thinking already going on.

    Thank you too for recommending Bob’s Red Rain. (Thank you Bob for Red Rain!) I went and read it immediately and then restarted Lavender’s Blue since I wanted more Vince and Raina.
    I love the worlds and characters you create together!

    Best of luck with Anna and the rest! Xoxo

    1. Isn’t Red Rain wonderful? I have no idea why he writes with me. I think he doesn’t either.

       And I am grateful to all of you. At this stage of the game, I’m so far up inside my own head, I can’t see anything. So this feedback is invaluable. Thank you all so much.

20. I’m just grateful for a glimpse of the new book,and am no help at all,as I loved it.

21. Continuing from parking at the museum:  I imagine that cutting the preceding scene would eliminate the wordage you want gone, and I further agree that Chad is expendable unless required later and could be cut.  I don’t know how much wordage would have to be added at the museum to include necessary facts from the eliminated wake-up scene, but I hope not much, since my remarks might entail adding a bit.

    Re “It was all set on a two-acre lot that sloped down to the river that had once contained an English garden and now featured two parking lots, one in front for the visitors and one in the lower back at basement level for the serfs who worked there.”

    Unless the museum builders massively overestimated attendance (and even then, the visitors lot is in the front and the employee lot in back can’t be very big), most of the 2 acre English garden did not get built over, so unless part of the garden remains (and should be mentioned), it now should read something like “now featured a boring grass lawn plus two parking lots …”

    I agree with Deborah that a heart attack of the head honcho should inspire a less casual reaction from Anna. How about inflicting something looking less serious, like him tripping (careless because worried?) and having a moderately hard fall.  Still requires EMTs but looks less life threatening . If you need him out of the way permanently, medical complications could develop later.

    “… Atlantic City. The Xanadu Casino. I’m supposed to go in and get further instructions from the concierge at eight PM.” If Anna is supposed to be still on the job in Atlantic City at 8 pm, and Atlantic City is not within 30 miles or so of the museum (the geography is unclear at this point and NJ is not huge, but not all that small either) she’s obviously due an overnight stay on the museum’s dime.  I would think she wants this firmly established, since it’s clear that routine overnight travel is not part of her job.  (She does end up staying overnight with what’s his name, but I can’t remember her original plans before the two met.)  Either Keppler should say something when he gives her the assignment or somebody (his secretary?) should confirm it after he left for the hospital.  If the latter, it could be alluded to in the Atlantic City chapter or maybe just assumed.

    Consequences from this scene for whatever follows: Anna gets the assignment soon after arrival, which in turn seems to be shortly after she woke up sooner than normal.  I expect that on a Saturday the museum would open at 10 am or possibly noon, and that the staff might arrive shortly before that, say no earlier than at 9 or 11 depending.  I seem to recall that there follows an art class scene, but unless Atlantic City is within commuting distance, Anna would want to leave work early in order to pack and make the drive.  I don’t think the season is established, but I imagine she would want to drive in daylight if possible. I can’t remember if that early departure from work is established, or perhaps could just be assumed.

    1. On rereading the excerpt, I see that Anna herself says that all this has happened before noon, so I wasted some sentences in deducing the time when it’s explicitly stated. Sigh.

22. I think the first Comment pretty much summed it up .
    You are a wonderful writer and I enjoyed all of that Snark but it didn’t help me know Anna. It did leave me wondering why she was working at night since she is the art director and teacher.
    I wonder if starting it with something like like a weird sign that it wasn’t going to be a normal day because she obviously likes normal. Take a quick look back at faking it and how you introduce that character.
    Maybe if you read it aloud to yourself, the opening of faking it and then the opening of Anna you would see what you hate and what you would like to cut.
    I wish this was an easier journey for you. But believe me, I understand.

23. Not for nothing, but I still think you’ve got something good here. I think the problem is that Anna doesn’t seem to feel anything other than mild irritation about anyone or anything, which makes her seem shallow. If you fix that, I think the rest will be fine. (Mom is seriously out of line. Mild irritation, if that. Boyfriend is horrible and even more seriously out of line. Not even a blip of emotion. Chad’s creepiness seems to get the most reaction, but ew. Boss has a heart attack, not even worry.) None of this makes us invested in her, even though all those things should. If she doesn’t feel anything for herself, we’re not going to care either. You are the Queen of Feels. Make her feel. Smooches.

24. Also, about Chad. I’m assuming he has some purpose in the book, so you can’t cut him entirely, and that you want him to be creepy. But I think I’m not alone in the ick factor. It isn’t just that I don’t like him. I find his actions triggering. Backing her into a corner and not letting her out. Seriously triggering. I think if you need to keep him in, it might be worth considering toning down the creepiness, so you don’t risk losing or upsetting your audience. Too many women have had this experience on one level or another and it elicits a pretty negative gut reaction.

    1. Also if you want him to be that ick and that triggering I think you should work up to it.

25. I always go back to the questions we used in the listserv, the precursor to the Cherry forums, to analyze a scene, starting with “what does the protagonist want?”

    If I skip the first scene, and start with the second one (which seems to be the consensus so far), I still can’t find anything that Anna wants — it’s all a matter of NOT wanting what other people want for her. So she’s a character with a negative goal, which is hard for the reader to care about. She wants to not get up, not date the guy her mother chose, not get hit on by a jerk, not have her romantic life bruited around the office, not go to Atlantic City.

    What DOES she want?

    1. Good point, Gin. Goals and motivation. What are Anna’s?

    2. It seems to me that beyond leading a harassment free and law abiding life, only the negatives are established in the first chapter, but that’s all right. It’s the basis for her deciding to look for something more positive hereafter.

26. Not knowing what you need for later, I don’t want to weigh in on what you you might need to cut. But overall, I can’t wait to read the finished book!

27. If it’s any consolation, I had the same issue with the beginning of my cozy, which is set in a quirky town full of quirky people. When I sent the partial out to my agent and a few first readers, the universal response was that my protagonist was the least interesting person in the manuscript. Ouch. But I kind of knew that already, so I had to go back and figure out who she really was and why anyone would care about her. You have all my sympathy.

28. Hi Jenny,
    I deliberately chose not to read any of the comments before reading chapter one. I loved every word and hope you don’t cut any out. But then, the reason you are my favourite author is because you are a genius wordsmith. I love the way you craft words to convey meaning. As for the cats eye glasses, I’m so relieved you left them in, as I was worried, when some readers questioned your choice in an earlier post, that you might leave them out. I always trust that anything you include, is all part of a bigger picture, and I can’t wait to see how it all fits together in the end. All your characters are great and I love Anna, and Johnny especially. I am filled with joy and anticipation of the completed book. You and Bob write the best stuff. You never fail to deliver high entertainment. Thanks Jenny.

29. I agree about starting with when she gets to work. Nothing happens in the scene before (it’s all detail) and I was rolling my eyes with the mom harping on her adult daughter to get married. I skimmed the rest of that section.

    Agree with others re Chad

    Anna clearly doesn’t even like Jason; why was she dating him? So the “possibly enraged” re the breakup email and “rat bastard” felt off. Maybe it was just my dislike of Jason but anything other than good riddance would have felt off to me.
    But really you have it right that Anna’s not on the page. There’s nothing that grabs me as a reader and pulls me into the story. Well, except the boss coming into give her the package to take to AC but he’s gone 2 seconds later and both Anna and Gracie have a very bland response to something that would seem to be an unusual request. How is that in an art teacher’s job duties? I excepted more reaction/ pushback.