1. Roommate announces Thursday night that she’s getting married on Saturday. Congratulate her. Accept when she asks you to be maid of honor. Try to remember what maid of honor does besides stand there. Roommate says they have found a great place to get married near Easton in Columbus. Tell roommate that’s a five-hour round trip with kids and you hope she has a nice time. Go back to work on vastly overdue book until the dawn breaks and kids leave for school. Roommate says they have found a place in Cincinnati to get married. Congratulate her and tell her you’ll be there. Go to sleep.
2. Wake up four hours later and realize that sick puppy is about to run out of special dog food and wedding is tomorrow. Better get a card. Drive to the vet’s. Wake up as you drive. Realize that putting on underwear does not constitute “dressed to leave the house” if dressed in striped sweats and a T-shirt and wearing houseslippers. Realize at twenty-one, this is cute; at sixty-one, assisted living is in near future. Park at vet’s. Dig good black coat out of the hatchback, the one bought in Boston when writing partner gave you ten minutes to buy a coat and you bought two, both of them still excellent. Gloat for the hundredth time. Remember when you didn’t forget to put on real shoes. Stop gloating. Tie sleeves of black coat around waist to undercut “Hi, I’m wandering around in my pajamas” effect. Go into the vet’s and get dog food.
3. Drive to T.J.Maxx and buy red leather flats to replace houseslippers. Immediately feel better. Add laptop case, dish scrubber, notepads for Krissie, and a designer clipboard. Feel MUCH better.
4. Remember wedding. Wedding present is taken care of (Angry Birds Honeymoon Game, previously the Angry Birds Road Trip Game), but now remember that good maids of honor also provide wedding bouquets and wedding cake for elopements. (This is not your first maid of honor-elopement rodeo.) Thank God for SuperKrogers a mile down the road. Get in car. Change into red slippers. Feel happiness replace despair.
5. Remember that you need four skeins of yarn to finish Project Runway Sock Monkeys Collection. Go into Hancocks and find yarn 30% off. Admire red slippers as you pick up yarn. Feel pretty damn good about self.
6. Drive to SuperKrogers. Go to fancy-schmancy designer bakery and ask for wedding cake. Encounter basilisk glare from fancy-schmancy pastry chef: “We don’t do wedding cakes.” Look at extremely beautiful fruit flans glistening in case. Think about stacking them to make wedding cake. Realize that you will be making wedding cake. Panic.
7. Go to baking section for two boxes of cake mix and two cans of white icing. Check out cake decorating supplies and realize they have nothing for weddings unless the bride and groom are six. Remember that Valentine’s Day was yesterday. SALE! Go to Valentine’s Day section. Realize that Valentine’s Day was four days ago. Look at two boxes of candy hearts and two forlorn cheap-ass teddy bears in pink plastic cases that say “XOXO.” Blame roommate for not getting married week earlier. Buy candy hearts and cheapass teddy bears.
8. Go to floral department. Ask for wedding bouquet and two flower girl bouquets. Encounter basilisk stare of floral designer: “We don’t do wedding bouquets.” Face all-nighter of cake decorating and bouquet design. Roommate likes daisies. Buy two bunches of Shasta daisies and one bunch of Gerbera daisies. Ask for floral tape. Floral designer sneers. Red shoes are causing blisters. Book is still overdue. Pay for everything in despair.
9. Go home. Pass out from lack of sleep.
10. Wake up at eleven PM. Feed dogs, sick puppy. Try to put IV needle in sick puppy, jam needle in finger. Puppy escapes. Remind self not to drive or stick needles in puppies until completely awake. Remember cake and flowers. Remember vastly overdue book. Remember maid of honor is supposed to throw the bachelorette party. Get up to make cake.
11. Preheat oven. Realize that the last time you made fancy-schmancy cake, it was only a two layer job and you used two boxes of cake mix. Scrounge another twelve-cupcake box from the cabinet. Mix together with more eggs than you thought possible, gallons of water and oil.
12. Look for Wilton stackable cake pans. Search every cabinet until you remember that you put them on the overhead shelf. Cut parchment circles for bottom of pans. Butter and flour pans and put in parchment circles. Pour in batter. Put in oven. Feel professional.
13. Try to put needle in puppy again. Stab self again. Puppy moves and needle sprays water everywhere. Puppy now drenched and actively hostile. Decide to do subq tomorrow when bride can hold puppy.
14. Scrub down counter, find cake plate, get out cheap-ass bears, candy hearts. Disaster. Scrounge pink marshmallow hearts leftover from Valentine’s Day, pink polka dot ribbon intended for crochet project. On whim, add pink curling ribbon from gift wrap box. Remember best friend’s favorite color is yellow. Damn.
15. Feed sick puppy medicine capsule wrapped in cheese. All is forgiven. Crochet until timer rings. Cake not done. Add five minutes. Crochet until timer rings. Cake not done. Add five minutes. Crochet until timer rings. Cake not done. 1AM. Puppy no longer hostile but you are. Add five minutes. Crochet until timer rings. Cake is done.
16. Pull out cake pans and let rest but not long enough because you’re bored. Flip out layers and peel off parchment; place on racks to cool. Run burned hands under cold water. Sick puppy would like more cheese. Suck it, sick puppy. Sick puppy, feeling much better, runs downstairs to hump sister. Snarling ensues.
17. Flip layers over and cut off rounded tops so layers are flat. Put trimmings in plastic bag for later, since crumbs have no calories, even if they’re the size of a cake layer. Door to kitchen opens, roommate comes in. “I smelled cake.” Hand over bag of crumbs.
18. Roommate tactfully does not mention three cake layers on counter. Roommate says no bachelorette party is necessary because something was making a weird, screaming sound outside and she sent groom out on cold deck to see what it was, so naked dancing guy quotient is filled for the evening. Suggest screaming sound was sick puppy getting his ass handed to him by sister. “No, weirder than that.” Roommate hands back rest of bag of giant crumbs, wipes chocolate from mouth, goes back to bed.
19. Look at cake layers. Realize they’re not going to be cool enough to ice for an hour. Realize that bouquets must be made. Realize that there is no floral tape. Realize that red slippers cause blisters, sick puppy is still not pumped full of water, book is still vastly overdue, and it’s almost 3AM. Go downstairs and get daisies.
20. Make bouquets using spotted ribbon, roll of lavender tulle intended for collage, lots of quarter inch ribbon. Fight with bouquets for significant amount of time. Details omitted because post is not called “How to Make a Wedding Bouquet.” Sock them in water.
Turn to cake.
21. Frost first layer. Wrap wide spotted ribbon around edge. Ribbon is so wide that entire edge is covered. Not effect wanted. Too damn bad.
22. Frost second layer. Look at pink heart-shaped marshmallows. Realize that they’re not heart-shaped enough. Smush marshmallows into better heart shapes. Push into side of cake.
23. Frost top layer. Wrap with polka dot ribbon. Realize that ribbon is half inch taller than cake. Glop in more icing and smooth to make full layer.
24. Using marker, make eyes and smiles on cheap-ass bears bigger, wider. Watch as marker bleeds and cheap-ass bears become zombies-come-to-eat-your-cheap-ass bears. Pin tulle veil to top of girl cheap-ass-zombie-bear. Put glob of icing in middle of top layer; sock cheap-ass-zombie-bear asses into icing.
25. Stand back and survey work. Hmmmm. Curl much bright pink curling ribbon. Pry cheap-ass-zombie bears from icing, stick in curling ribbon. Glop more icing on top, sock cheap-ass-zombie bears back on top.
26. Stand back and survey work. Hmmmm. Lotta icing under those bears. Add candy hearts and marshmallows to cover icing.
27. Stand back and survey work. Lord, it’s not good.
Realize it’s almost 5AM and that you should have gone to Michaels fourteen hours ago and just let Martha Stewart do everything. Decide it’s roommate’s fault for impulsive wedding. Realize you have no idea what you’re going to wear tomorrow. Go downstairs and work on vastly overdue book until sun comes up. Fall asleep.
Groom is handsome, too, but no picture. Go to wedding in back seat of car with Sweetness and Light,. Try to keep Sweetness from shredding her bouquet. Argue with Light over the color of the Gerbera daisy in the center of hers (“Yellow.” “Yellow orange.” “Yellow.” “Yellow at the tips, yellow-orange in the center.” “Fine, whatever.” “The white daisies have a purple stripe.” “Kill me now.”) Bride and groom in front seat holding hands, exchanging meaningful looks. Feel carsick. Bride and groom realize they are lost, peer at GPS. Feel carsicker.
29. Arrive at wedding house. Bond with officient’s wife, a former art teacher. Wedding is lovely. Bride and groom so happy.
30. Get back in car. “This daisy is yellow-orange.” Think about throwing up. Bride and groom in front seat, exchanging meaningful glances. Think about throwing up some more. Bride and groom get lost. Remember why you never married again.
31. Lunch at Olive Garden. Get out of car. Long dress pulls up to reveal leg. Realize you should have shaved legs. Also realize that you haven’t had enough sleep. Avoid falling face first into entree.
32. Home for reception. Cake looks like a cheap-ass-zombie-Barbie threw up ribbon on it. Sweetness and Light love it. Bride and groom love it. Congratulate everybody and go to bed.
33. Wake up at 8PM. Go upstairs with sick puppy. Bride helps with subq. Puppy hostile until cheese meds, then all is forgiven. Bride returns to groom for wedding night. Look at cake without top layer. Realize looks much better without cheap-ass-zombie bears and curling ribbon.
Remind self to show restraint in future. Also, wear real shoes outside.
34. Eat cake. Think about how happy bride and groom are. Eat more cake. Think that maybe on the way home, you shouldn’t have said, “Well, it’s all downhill from here.” Eat more cake. Wish bride and groom all the happiness in the world because they deserve it. Eat more cake.
Cake is delicious.
[Light took the wedding pictures. Aren’t they wonderful?]