Today is Earth Day. Trying to imaging what Trump is going to do with this one, since he praised Frederick Douglass for all the good work he’s doing for Black History Month: “somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice.” Since he has previously suggested that climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese, I’m assuming he’ll burn an endangered species while strip mining Yellowstone and talking about his YUGE victory. (You lost by more than three million votes, Donald. You’re a loser.)
Fuck that. It’s Jelly Bean Day.
Not even Donald Trump can destroy jelly beans.
Today is Rubber Eraser Day.
Try to imagine a world without the ability to erase mistakes. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
(Actually, my fave eraser is a Mars Staedtler white..)
It’s a Draw A Picture of a Bird Day.
Go on, you know you want to.
Yes, it’s April Fool’s Day but it’s also Pillow Fight Day.
Don’t google “pillow fight” unless you like seeing scantily clad women merrily swatting each other with bedding.
Today is Tolkien Reading Day.
Today is World Sleep Day. Get some.
Today is Oatmeal Nut Waffle Day. And I object.
I don’t object to oatmeal nut waffles, I’m sure they’re tasty and good for you. I object to this insanely specific day. I can go along with Waffle Day or World Nut Day, maybe even Oatmeal Waffle Day, but when you get down to a double-modifier, you’re just being ridiculous.
Bottom line: Eat whatever waffles you want. The Waffle God will still be appeased. Continue reading
Today is Grammar Day.
I feel strongly about grammar, but I have a feeling you all do, too, so go ahead and vent in the comments.
Today is World Sword Swallowers Day.
There are better hobbies. As the Wikipedia says:
“Sword swallowing is a skill in which the performer passes a sword through the mouth and down the esophagus to the stomach. This feat is not swallowing in the traditional sense; the natural processes that constitute swallowing do not take place, but are repressed in order to keep the passage from the mouth to the stomach open for the sword. The practice is dangerous and there is risk of injury.”
“Careful focus is required to complete the process without injury, as the sword passes within millimetres of vital body parts such as the aorta, heart and lungs.”
What idiot first thought, “There’s a long sharp object. I think I’ll put it in my mouth in order to bring it closer to my aorta, heart, and lungs. Hold my beer.”
I recommend crochet. No swallowing.
Today is Pluto Day.
Because Pluto is a planet:
And also, of course, a dog: Continue reading