This week was bad. And I am angry. So happiness, not really an option. Except . . . .
I’m unhappy because Milton is walking like an old dog because of arthritis (I hope) or a bad back (I fear). Milton is supposed to live forever, but I don’t want him in pain forever, that’s bad. So I’ve shelled out over $700 in four days and really all we’ve achieved is that pain pills help him not feel pain. I’m frustrated and annoyed.
A partisan liar was elevated to the Supreme Court because legislators I respected played party politics instead of protecting their country. That gutted me: there is no government institution in my country that I respect anymore if they can put this shrieking conspiracy theorist and probably sex offender on the court forever. I’m so angry about this that I’ve stopped reading the news. If the apocalypse comes I’m going to miss it because I’m throwing things against the wall.
And Bethany is in a coma as I write this and not expected to regain consciousness. While I could say something Hallmarkish about how she’ll be in our hearts forever (true), the darker truth is that she’s gone from here forever. And that’s so wrong, I can’t stand it. Rage is swamping my grief.
Because I want to fix it all and I can’t. I can’t fix any of it. And there’s so much more that’s wrong than just the things that hurt me the most. The world is full of pain and suffering, and life being what it is, it will be forever full of pain and suffering and it makes me so angry that sometimes I can’t function.
Welcome to your Sunday happiness post.
So I’ve been thinking about this misery and how to write about happiness today, and I’m realizing that my anger is the problem, I’m clinging to my anger because anger is so much easier and cleaner than grief. It isn’t just that you can’t be happy if you’re angry, it’s that you can’t accept and move on if you’re angry. It’s like that storm that hit the Carolinas and then just stayed, flooding people’s lives, drowning hope. If I let go of the anger, I’m going to hurt and I’m going to cry for a while, but it’s the only way I’ll be able to find my way back to happiness.
So my plan for this week is to refuse the anger and embrace the grief and move on to the next patch of sunlight. Milton may not be running around as much as he used to, but he cuddles more. Kavanaugh’s going to be on the court, but Ford has started the dialogues we needed to have again. And losing Bethany has made me realize that while I’ve always celebrated the community here, I haven’t celebrated how important we all are
I still hate this week, though. Damn it.
Love you, Bethany. Hope wherever you are now is full light and