I’ve been staying home and writing, but today I had to hit the grocery and the pharmacy and the craft store (skull button) and I was brought up once again by the true horror of the season: Christmas music. The stuff is insidious; I found myself singing along to “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” I probably looked like one of those animatronic elves, nodding my head mechanically as I searched for a good skull for my Day of the Dead project. Thank god, it wasn’t “Santa Baby.” I listened to four different versions of that sucker while writing “Hot Toy.” Never again. Okay, I’ll listen to the Etta James version because she can do no wrong, but that’s it.
I also looked at Christmas wrapping, most of which was fine, but there were a lot of those floridly colored retro Santa Clauses that looked like they’d had way too much egg nog and were harassing the elves. At this point, I don’t trust any guy in position of power, but those faux vintage Santas are especially skeevy, like Steve Bannon, only not that bad.
Then I came home and found an e-mail from an amigurumi site with these:
I can just hear them chanting “For the Greater Good.” (And now I want to do them in black with gray beards and ghostly pale faces). Maybe circle them around a table. Put glasses on one of them. Watch Hot Fuzz again.
Even the cooking is getting to me. I got home and realized I hadn’t gotten refrigerator pie crust dough and thought, Crap, now I have to go back. Then I remembered that I know how to make pie crust dough. I blame the Christmas music for making me stupid early, since I’m still on Thanksgiving/pumpkin pie time. I don’t haul out the holly until the day AFTER Thanksgiving, thank you. The turkey isn’t even dead yet, people. Get a grip.
I know I’ll feel better once the leftover turkey is gone and I have my Christmas trees (yes, plural) up. I may even break down and make those damn elves just because there are so many things I could do with them. The three creepy wise guys, one with a skull in his hands, one with a raven on his shoulder, and one with . . .
Hmmm. Must think about this while I make pie crusts from scratch while humming “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” while weeping helplessly.
Or maybe I’ll just go back to writing a book. Christmas: Not My Thing.
EDITED TO ADD LOCK SCREEN FOR THE IPAD:
- Double tap the Home Button (that’s the circle at the bottom of the frame that you push to leave an app).
2. You will get this screen. Find the lock rotation button on the lower right:
3. Hit that button.