I’m telling you, I don’t know what this country is coming to! We used to have standards, there were rules, people knew their places and it was peaceful. Everybody was polite and everybody was happy. And now look at us: Rudeness and violence and division, no respect for the things that made our country great. We’re just going to Hell, that’s all there is to it! Except here on my island, it’s the other way around: Hell is invading us! I’m sorry, but I am not going to accept demons on my island. You know you’ve crossed a line when people like me start to speak up! There are standards, and I’m going to defend them!
I want to make it clear that I’m not a racist. I’m fine with blacks and Asians and the rest of them, they have some very good-looking people. But I’m not fine with green. Well, who could be? That’s not what God intended when He made the people for this world! No He put demons in Hell where they belong, and they need to go back where they came from!
My island is infested with these things! They come over from Hell and settle in here and pretend to be just like us, but they’re not! They’re evil. They commit crimes and rape our young girls and leave their half-demon spawn to contaminate humanity. Yes, I know our country is a melting pot, but you don’t put cat dirt in the soup. I apologize for the crudeness, but there’s no lady-like way to describe demons. They’re just cat dirt, one more thing that’s stinking up a country that used to be made up of gentlemen and the women they respected. We had rules. Now anything goes, even the spawn of Hell on our doorsteps! I don’t mind the Amusement Park and the other theme stores, that’s just make-believe—the gift shop at the Church of Satan is bigger than the nave, that tells you all you need to know right there, plus the Rev is the president of the WPG so obviously not a Satan-follower—but real demons, real evil? Absolutely not!
I was shocked when the Rev told me the Mayor knows about the demons, but it just goes to show what happens when you keep electing a liberal. The Mayor told him that as long as they’re abiding by the law, he doesn’t care, and if they’re not abiding by the law, they’ll be punished just like everybody else. And then he said that since they’re here illegally most of them are more careful about the law than the humans on the island. He says you don’t break the speed limit with a body in the trunk. But the point is that they’re evil and they poison our island just by breathing our air, they’re contaminating our breeding stock, they don’t belong here! Plus they have bodies in their trunks, according the Mayor.
That’s why I belong to the WPG—that’s the White Power Group–on Demon Island. I know, I know, White Power sounds racist, but one of the founders told us some facts at our first meeting, like more non-white babies are being born than white babies. More white people are dying than are being born. Whites will be a minority thirty years from now. White people are disappearing from our culture. If that was happening to minorities, there’d be a telethon, colored ribbons all over the place. But whites? It’s like we’ve had our turn. Well, people don’t get turns, we get what we deserve, and we deserve a country that’s not polluted by demons! We’re a country founded by white people, ruled by white people, dominated by white people, it’s what made this country great. (That does not mean I think minorities don’t belong here: there are a lot of good ones who aren’t white, although I think they should marry each other, not us, not that I’d throw that Denzel out of bed, but you know, not children..) Our government is for the people, by the people, of the people, do you see demons in that sentence? No, you do not! That’s because they’re just evil! So we have to get rid of them. And white people have to start having more babies.
Thank goodness, there are some people who agree and are doing something about it! That’s the WPG, the White Power Group. We meet secretly after the Stitch and Bitch at the Historical Society on Wednesdays—it’s really kind of exciting–and talk about the demon problem. That new homicide detective, Lily Jones, has just joined us, and I wasn’t sure at first—frankly, she dresses a little slutty, bless her heart—but I think she’s going to be a great help. She says she wants lots of children, and with those hips, she shouldn’t have any trouble—I don’t think she could get her thigh in one of my skirts, but then I’m a 2, she must be a 14, at least in the butt area—she could have plenty of babies what with all the men she has around her just begging for it. She did ask a lot of good questions, like how you can tell if somebody is a demon, which is a problem, I admit. Demons are crafty. She also suggested we call ourselves the Human Power Group because White Power sounds a little racist, and we’re going to vote on that at the next meeting. I’m not sure about that since we’ve always been the White Power Group and tradition is important. But she pointed out that we might get more members if our name didn’t have “white” in it. After all, she said, people of all colors hate demons. So there is that. Plus if Sandy down at the diner joined, we’d get better food at the meetings. I’ll say this about black people: they can cook.
That was at our last meeting, which was a real barn-burner!. First Lily joined, and every man in the group was all over her, even the old ones. Yes, I’m looking at you Stephen Kelly. What is it about men, always wanting younger women? That’s one of the reasons I joined the Stitch and Bitch Club, just to get away from men. It’s our Women Power group, although we don’t call it that, we just call it Stitch and Bitch. (Thank God my mother taught me to embroider. Which Lily Jones can’t do, Steven, you old fool. Lily Jones knits. That’s really all you need to know about Lily Jones: she makes sweaters. Probably big ones to cover her boobs, which are not real. Bless her heart. I’m sure it’s somewhere under all that plastic.) I think Women Power is almost as important as White Power because just look at how things are: Women are valued as long as we’re young and our boobs are high but the minute we pass fifty, we’re invisible! I’m really angry about that, but I don’t know what to do. I mean, short of a face lift again, and then you get to looking all dead anyway because your face doesn’t move, so that’s no solution. That’s the problem with Stitch and Bitch: we do crafts and complain but we don’t do anything about the problems. I need some action on this. If this keeps up, I might become a feminist! (That would settle Stephen Kelly’s hash.)
Then after the big fuss at the WPG meeting over Lily, we talked about the Green Doughnut Project, which we designed to identify the demons on the island. WPG is more than just talk, you know! And it was wildly successful, except two people died. Well, not people, demons, but the police think they were people, so now we have murder investigations. The good news is, Lily is our new homicide detective, and she’s promised to protect us. She says racial purity is more important than justice, and really, that’s true. It’s for the Greater Good!. Anyway, the Doughnut Project was a real eye-opener! Four of the oldest families on the island, just riddled with demons! This is what happens when you’re not vigilant about demons: they contaminate the best breeding stock. But at least now we know who got sick and we can watch them. The ones who died? Those are the pure demons, so they had to go. We decided to discuss the ones who only got sick next week. Lily volunteered to head up the DRS (Demon Removal Squad). Stephen says she’s going to be a great asset (but of course he lingered on the “ass’ part. Not that I’m jealous, but could that skirt have been any tighter? Not a lady, but if she kills demons, I’ll put up with her.)
But the big discussion was about the new man living over Hell Bar, the one everybody says is the Devil. Well, he’s a good-looking devil, I’ll give him that, but then he’s a demon so he’s a tempter. Not that I’m tempted! They do say demons are great in the sack. Well-endowed, you know? (Listen, do you know? Because I’d love to talk about that if you do.) Anyway, about the new man, Nick, all I can say is I know evil when I see it! (Although, you know, evil can be very attractive, and if I was younger or he was older, although that’s so unfair because if he was a woman and I was a man we’d be all over each other, age wouldn’t matter. Really so unfair!) But the rumor is that he’s seduced the Mayor’s daughter, Nita Dodd, and that’s bad because she’s also a police officer. (Jason Witherspoon asked her to marry him and she turned him down, if you can believe it! Thinks she’s too good for a Witherspoon! I thought that was a real shame because they’d have made beautiful babies, but then I found out the doughnuts made her sick. She Hellish. You know, I’m really not surprised. That Mitzi Dodd will sleep with anything that moves, and Nita doesn’t look a thing like her brother or sister. And her brother’s her twin! But now Lily Jones seems to like Jason, and say what you will about her, that woman will make big, healthy babies. And with Jason, she won’t just have healthy babies, she’ll have magnificent babies, the master race! That’s not anti-Semitic, I have nothing against Jews. I don’t think everybody should be blond or anything. I know a lot of very attractive dark-haired people.) Anyway, Lily Jones said she’d go talk to this Nick as part of the homicide investigation into the doughnut deaths and see if he’s just another human pretending to be a demon—we get a lot of those—or if he really is a demon. That’s when she asked how she could tell.
But then Lily brought up another good point: Nita Dodd will make a fuss about the two deaths. Nita used to be the homicide detective here with Jason before Lily took her job, so she’s against murder, and of course now it turns out that she’s at least part demon, and Lily says she thinks Nita’s going to keep looking into things. I suggested back in the fall that we try to recruit her because having the Mayor’s daughter with us would be a good thing, but Stephen had tried to feel her out (not that way, although knowing Stephen I’m sure he thought about it) and she was pretty sharp with him; she’s one of those liberals who thinks she sees racism everywhere! He tried to tell her about whites becoming a minority and how that was reverse racism, and she said that since racism was about prejudice because of race, reverse racism was about no prejudice because of race, so she was in favor of reverse racism, in fact he could call her a reverse racist any time he wanted, and that that he should stop obsessing about the color of people and do something about the color of his wardrobe because his tie was a crime against humanity. (He seemed quite upset about the criticism, but the truth is, his ties are terrible; the one he was wearing at the meeting had a pin-up girl painted on it, we should have put “Dirty Old Man” on his nametag. And he used to be so handsome, too. Terrible lover, but so nice to look at. I know men are supposed to age better than women, but Stephen is just not keeping up his side of the game.) So we’re going to have to watch Nita, especially if this Nick turns out to be a demon and she’s sleeping with him because if there’s one thing this island doesn’t need, it’s more demon children. Anchor babies from Hell, that’s what they are!
And then Marvella stood up and said that she had some wonderful news that might help with the Nita Dodd problem because Nita’s new partner is a Button! That caused quite a stir, even Lily Jones looked startled. We had to explain to the new people that Buttons had been fighting demons for centuries, real heroes, and we thought they’d died out, but now here comes a young one right onto our police force, and she’s working with our Problem on the Force. So that’s wonderful!
So we’re keeping an eye on Nita Dodd and this Nick. Even if Nita’s only part demon, she’s still a danger because she’ll probably side with the demons. It won’t be a problem to get rid of them; we still have a lot of iron sprinkles, but I’m hoping we don’t have to because you know how the Mayor gets about his children, even the Hellish ones, I guess! (And if this Nick isn’t a demon, I may discuss the advantages of older women with him. Because I’ll say this, he is a fine piece of work, even if he is probably all full of himself and bad in bed. You can’t have everything. Needs must when the Devil drives!)
So that’s where we are. It’s an uphill battle, but we have God on our side, and I’m sure if He came to Earth He’d be MUCH more attractive than the Devil. The important thing is that we’re saving the country, putting things back the way they belong. Or at least we’re saving Demon Island. Somebody else is going to have to save the rest of New Jersey, I just don’t have the energy for that kind of heavy lifting.
Also we need more appreciation for mature women. Stitch and Bitch really needs to get on that.