I blame Satan.
Of course, I blame Nick Giordano, too, but if he’d just known his place, I’d have kept him on once I became Devil. As they say in Hell, he made the trains run on time. (Do you know what other human made the trains run on time? Mussolini. That should give you an idea of Nicolas Giordano.)
Satan was an okay Devil, and we were doing fine, and I had no problems waiting until his term was up to take over. Okay, maybe not fine, things were a little disorganized, but that gave us room to breathe, to be creative, to thrive.
Then Satan decides we need organization and talks to that damn Rodrigo Borgia and here comes the Pope’s dead bastard to sort things out, in skeleton form, no less, because Satan takes that from the grave to give him corporeal form, and if you think that didn’t make office visits uncomfortable, those empty eye sockets telling you to pay your fine and not break the rules again, let me tell you, you weren’t there. Especially early on when there were still parts of him . . . rotting. Thank Hell he finally learned to façade. Even then, same dark, flat, dead eyes. The guy is creepy.
And unnecessary. Things were fine unsorted. Things were good unsorted.
But no, we need this human to catalog us so Satan always knows what’s going on. You know what they call that on Earth? Big Mother. And God knows Satan is one, that’s why She sent him in to clean up after Beelzebub, who I admit was a disaster. A damn good time, but Osiris wept, he almost wiped out the Earth because he wanted to see the dinosaurs scatter. There’s flair and there’s just puerility and Bub has that with a side order of crazy. So yes, fine, we needed Satan. I certainly wasn’t going to clean up that mess.
I feel compelled to mention that Satan is not a demon. We are world of demons, we should be ruled by a demon. It’s not like we don’t have candidates. Me, for example. I’m one of the oldest demons here. I know how things work. I’m perfect for that office. But no, God brings an angel down from Corporate. It’s like She doesn’t trust us.
So okay, we’ve got Satan, but I can roll with that for five hundred years (five thousand Earth years, like anybody counts in Earth years), five hundred years is nothing. Plus the whole angel/demon thing is just classism; we’re the same beings under the skin. Well, they’re not green unless they get thrown out and end up under our sun, more a minty blue, look like they were all born on glaciers, but now you’re talking racism.
Green is FAR superior. That’s why Bub and I founded the Green Power movement. Only don’t call it a movement in front of Bub because that’s just asking for some stupid joke. When the women’s movement started on Earth, I thought we were going to have to gag him to get him to shut up.
Green Power was popular right from the start. Moloch joined right away and then Thanatos came in although I’m still not sure he has any idea of what’s going on; I think he just likes the beer at the meetings (Bub’s idea). Well, Thanatos lives with a bunch of dead spirits and he’s stoned on the Dreamtime air most of the time, so his comprehension is not great, but a good guy. And Ashtaroth came in because Ashtaroth will join anything that makes him feel superior to somebody else. We had hundreds join the first year. Now we have more hundreds. The problem is that although we were all upset when Satan brought Nick out of the grave, he did make life easier. So recruiting for the group hasn’t been quite as fast as we’d hoped, but now, NOW we have a cause.
Satan’s going to make Nick Devil.
That is just not acceptable. Satan was bad enough, but at least he’s Hellish. Nick’s a human. Yes, I know he’s dead, I don’t care. He’s a human. You know what those people are like. They’re animals. And they think we’re the bad guys. Have you see what they do to each other? Torture, war, poverty, terrorism, disgusting, they’re disgusting.
And Satan’s going to put one of them in power over us? Not while I’m in Hell, he’s not.
But this has to be done carefully. I was hoping Max would help, Max is excellent at devious action, but he seems to think that Nick’s some kind of superhero and opposing him can only lead to grief. I may have to fire Max. I will admit that he’s pulled me out of some close calls, but now that he’s throwing a tantrum if I even think about crossing that pile of bones, I might have to do this without him.
Which is where Demons First comes into play. We’re a subset of Green Power which, frankly, has degenerated into a lot of support groups and geneology classes. The last time I checked in, they’d started woodworking. I mean, great, celebrate demonity and your place in it, form demon bonds, but action is needed, not ceramics. We have a goal, damn it.
We have to bring down Nick Giordano.
People whine about how much good he’s done. He hasn’t done good, he doesn’t know good from bad, he has no values, he’s dead, he’s an ossified robot. And yes, the fact that Hell now runs as efficiently as Heaven is good, but that organization is done. The human has outlived his usefulness. Yes, I know he’s dead. He’s so damn annoying, he can outlive something after he’s stopped living. In fact, I want him to start living again because then we can turf him back to Earth. And put him under the turf where he belongs.
That’s why the four of us went to Earth awhile back, and we have this secret cell now, getting ready to overthrow Nick before he can become the Devil. Demon Island was a brilliant idea on my part—we could slip out for an hour, make plans for ten hours, and come back nobody the wiser—but I’ve just found out that that baph-brain Moloch decided we need servants and snatched humans to live there. And of course they died because humans are idiots. Okay, yes, also because there was no food, water, or heat, but come on, demons would have improvised. Humans. They’re worthless.
But as Max is my witness, I did not know Moloch had done that. I don’t like humans, but I wouldn’t kill them. Although I’d make an exception for Nick Giordano if three humans hadn’t got to him first.
And then Moloch figured out how to keep the colonists alive and of course they bred like rabbits—they’re a lot like rabbits, actually, except you can’t eat them, and for the record, they do NOT taste like chicken—so now the island is full of them. I rarely go back there. Place is a mess.
But now Moloch’s doing something horrible there again, and Nick’s looking into it, and it’s not going to take him much longer to find the Demon First cell there. I need to warn Richiel to lay low; if Nick gets near the cell there, well, I’ll just kill him outright.
Yes, I know he’s already dead. I’m working on that. The big problem is that if my plan works, he might notice he’s coming back to life. Here’s hoping there’s something on the island that’ll distract him until I can get him breathing again and then get him not breathing again.
It’s a shame he’s dead, it really limits my scope.