RANT: Own Your Awfulness, Asshats

Feel free to skip this, it’s just me frothing at the mouth over something personal.

I’m furious with somebody.

That somebody is being a hypocrite on Twitter.

I would like to tweet back something cutting.

I’m not going to.

BUT I WANT TO.

I don’t like it when people hurt my friends. I tend to overreact. And of course, I’m not over-reacting as Jenny Smith, I’m over-reacting as Jenny Crusie with all the baggage that entails. So that’s bad. But hypocrites make me crazy, so I’m posting here instead of on Twitter. It seems like a good compromise. My only other option is silence. Okay, that’s not really an option for me, but I can mutter quietly in my little corner of the universe. (That would be here.)

So my snit today is about a guy who tells his wife he wants a divorce on Jan. 1, leaves her stunned, horrified, and alone to explain things to her children while he takes off on vacation, and then gets engaged to somebody else at the end of the month, only to sorrowfully post on Twitter that the divorce was a hard decision for him to make.

I would really like to reply to that. I won’t. My friend doesn’t want me to, and she’s the one dealing with this, not me. But . . .

You know, if people want to be asshats–say our President–I can respect that. The choice to be a duplicitous son of a bitch is as legitimate as the choice to be a saint. You get to choose who you want to be, how you want to live.

But then, for fuck’s sake, OWN IT.

I’m a bitch. I know I’m a bitch. I’ve never pretended NOT to be a bitch. I figure as long as I’m up front about it, people will see me coming and either know what they’re getting into or get out of my way. I am not a fuzzy bunny, unless I’m the fuzzy bunny from the Holy Grail. And I’m okay with that as long as I’m not kidding myself that I’m really a nice person. Polonious was a bore, but he was right about knowing yourself. He just didn’t go far enough. Know yourself, be true to that self, and then BE HONEST ABOUT IT.

Trump is a sociopathic narcissist. He’ll do whatever it takes to get the applause, bend reality however he has to in order to believe he’s a winner. And now he’s taking his pathological need to be THE BEST national, and he’s letting the dregs of humanity dictate policy because they tell him he’s great, and my country is going down the tubes. The thing is, if he’d won the election and then said, “HAH, gotcha,” and resigned, I’d have a kind of grudging respect for him. He’d have accomplished something–the disintegration of the Democratic party establishment–and he’d have rick-rolled the party that tried to laugh him out of the election, and he’d have won by thumbing his nose at politics in general. There’s something kind of noble about that, even if he has mobilized the worst of racist, sexist, intolerant, dickhead America. Instead, he thinks he’s a great President, the best, and now my country is in chaos, all because this asshat will not admit that he’s in over his head and that people loathe him because of what he’s saying and doing. My only comfort is that he’s only been in office a month and he’s already in flames. With any luck at all, Paul Ryan will pull a coup and take over the government. I think Paul Ryan is a despicable weasel, but he’s a sane despicable weasel, and in the end, he’d be a pragmatist. I don’t think Ryan says, “Hey, I’m a man of the people.” He says, “Hey, I love Ayn Rand, screw the people.” If only Trump were that kind of honest, despicable weasel, we’d all be in better shape.

I feel the same way about this guy on Twitter. If you get engaged four weeks after you ask for your divorce, it was not a difficult decision. You had a plan. Embrace your despicably weaselly efficiency, if nothing else.

January: The month of Weasels With No Sense of Shame Who Refuse To Accept Responsibility For Their Weaselhood.

88 thoughts on “RANT: Own Your Awfulness, Asshats

  1. I am evil. I am known to be evil. I was raised to be nice and for the most part I try very hard to be nice but God has a left hand as well.

    So, with the caveat that I am evil – can you tweet him – innocent & oblivious -“Congrats on your engagement! When did you meet her?”

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    1. No, he knows I know. I just have to stay off Twitter. It’s the equivalent of messing in somebody else’s divorce, which is a chaotic enough time. She doesn’t need me roiling the waters.

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      1. Well, put it in your back pocket. If she changes her mind…

        BTW, I assumed he knew you knew. That’s why the question is so great. He knows you know, you know he knows you know…it’s how he responds when it’s laid out in public that puts an end to the fake tweets to elicit sympathy from the ignorant masses.

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  2. I understand your fury. This kind of situation is awful. Trust is a precious thing and it hurts when it’s trampled on.

    I’m with you that the hypocrisy really burns.

    A weasel I no longer speak to left his wife on their anniversary (!) for a woman he called his ‘soul mate’.

    He refused to file for a divorce, mainly because he didn’t want to deal with the financial fall-out, and his wife filed, because duh.

    He then told all of their mutual friends that his wife was divorcing him, he had no idea why, boo hoo.

    It eventually backfired on him, and all of their mutual friends no longer speak to him. I guess he didn’t think anyone would think to ask his wife what was going on.

    Good riddance to that pile of ‘charming when it suits him’ sociopathic garbage.

    The extra fillip was that his new wife was a super vehement Christian, but didn’t mind cheating on her husband, leaving him, and disrupting everyone’s lives. I guess she felt God considered her a special snowflake, exempt from any need to treat people nicely.

    It eventually came back to bite her in the butt, when a few years later he found himself a new ‘soul mate’ and left her as abruptly as he’d left my friend. And leaving the same financial shambles behind.

    I firmly believe that a person who’s willing to treat people this shabbily will end up losing more than they gain.

    In any case, we are all better off without that lying, cheating, false friend.

    I hope your friend gets a great divorce attorney.

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    1. Ditto the great divorce attorney. Especially as my fear would be that he would try to bend reality for the kids. It’s going to be hard enough, the last thing she needs is him filling the kids’ heads with bullshit regarding their mom and the divorce. And even if she doesn’t end up hiring the divorce attorney, she should absolutely go get a consult, because the amount of misinformation people have regarding the divorce process and what they’re owed is a lot.

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      1. The kids have his number. They’re devastated, but they’re not confused.
        I think he agreed to decent terms, and they don’t have much money, so at least for now, it’s handled.

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  3. “The month of Weasels With No Sense of Shame Who Refuse To Accept Responsibility For Their Weaselhood.” This is just a perfect summation of my last month. Not for the same reasons — and I am very sorry your friend got sideswiped like that — but I’ve been so furious that I am losing sleep at night recently, much of it having to do with people who want to do a harmful thing, but who really get their feelings hurt when they don’t get enough kudos and sympathy for being good people underneath it all. Entitled fucking assholes.

    Wishing your friend all the best, Jenny.

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    1. The line I used to use is with HR was “I’m understanding about many things but these are my lambs. Don’t touch my lambs.”

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  4. Integrity. That’s what this comes down to for me. Sometimes the concept gets touted out & paraded around but not always lived.

    Unfortunately, the internet may provide a place for some to create and maintain personas that are false or to put out false truths about themselves and others. Some buy into it & some don’t, and it’s hard when someone sells a false truth that hurts. But like in anything else in life, I think it reveals more about that person than the person being talked about. And it comes down to the first person’s integrity, or lack thereof, and how that translates into how they treat others.

    I’m sorry for your friend and agree with your approach to stay quiet because she’s the only one who counts when it comes to hearing your thoughts and because your support is your best gift to her.

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  5. One day it will come back to bite him in the ass. What goes around will come around and it will be his ass. So sad for your friend and children. I hope it comes around fast and bites deep.

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  6. Jenny, you are forever a high priestess holy queen bitch of awesomeness in my world. There are not enough like buttons in the ‘verse for this post. And I’ve never wanted to find a kickstarter kickass divorce attorney fund as much as today… hugs for your friend, who deserves a hundred million times better than this shit.

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  7. Thank you for sharing this, Jenny. I didn’t know which way to split my Patreon support but now, I know how I’d like to invest in a woman building up her business rather than the man that departed with what they’d built together.

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  8. This is when the cartoon in my head is of me smacking stupid horrible weasel people on nose with rolled up newspaper saying ” No this is not how you behave, smack, no!” …

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  9. Love and support to your friend. Well done to you on biting your tongue. Or in this case your fingers. Doesn’t have the same ring, somehow though.

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  10. This sort of happened to me. So your friend has my sympathy. Here’s my advice. Don’t allow yourself to be triangulated by these two. Every disagreement, anger flare up will unite them against the bad guy. It’s when they don’t have you to blame for their lame arse behavior and deal with the reality of how they destroyed their family, that the cows will come home for them. Then again, they may truly deserve each other and you rejoice because for once you dodged his bullet. I didn’t think I wanted to be single but it’s so great to be free.

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  11. Amen Jenny. A-freaking-men. Own your crap, own your plan and own your deviousness. If for no other reason than to give fair warning to others of your potential. Angry. Very very angry.

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  12. You do need to rant on both issues, absolutely. Many many years ago mine said “I’m too young, I’m leaving, there’s nobody else” and all that BS. Meanwhile I am seven months along and across the country from family. Checking phone bills I find constant calls to the “other woman” who of course I called and she had no clue he had just left a pregnant wife. I wasn’t upset they broke up but felt really sorry for the second wife a couple of years later. Rant away. I hate lying bullies. You are also right on re the president. He is so awful and people I actually know cannot see it.

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  13. I feel your annoyance or even loathing.

    We have no teacher’s assistants. I use my own money to pay a local parent to come and help me. They are a family who live below the poverty line. I know that I helped a lot.

    She has since started working on weekends. Wage is still minimum, hand to mouth. Recently when I ask her to come in, she’ll say she will but does not show up. With 42 children, I NEED HER.

    Finally got mad enough to say, “Don’t tell me you will come when you won’t. Tell me you made enough money on the weekend and don’t need to come in. I like the truth.”

    I’m done being manipulated by people who want to protect their image with lies.

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  14. You could just start posting quotes not directly tagging him. I like “adversity does not build character, it reveals it” James Lane Allen. Or “Of all forms of deception self-deception is the most deadly, and of all deceived persons the self-deceived are the least likely to discover the fraud” Aiden Wilson Tozer. Just tweet that you are now going to start a quote of the day.

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    1. Actually, I just found out he reads this blog, which I did not know.
      And evidently there are several people who read this blog who know who he is, so I probably did enough damage. I’m staying off Twitter.

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      1. I did know who you meant and was actually a bit glad to have some….information. Not that I was owed any, mind you, but it was just so out of the blue seeming. Can’t imagine how she felt.

        But, as someone who lived a fairly public life in some ways, if all he gets is an angry anonymous vent from his ex’s friend, it’s still pretty good. If he didn’t want people thinking he was kind of a tool, he shouldn’t have acted like a tool.

        Also, the president is vile and horrible and scares me and embarrasses me and I’m tired of explaining to my foreign friends that we know he’s crazy and we’re trying to fix it and to a few of my US friends, “no, really, he’s crazy….what do you mean you still think he’s doing great?!?!” Argh.

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        1. Yeah, it’s that chunk of the population who can’t see what he’s doing and what he is that worries me.

          The whole public life thing is a problem. The more you share with people, the more they want to hear what you say, but if your private life is imploding, you just want to say, “I’m going over here for awhile.” I’ve gotten caught in that a couple of times, and it’s not fun. OTOH, leaving people guessing isn’t good, either.

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      2. No, he did the damage. And if he’s reading this blog, he might want to stop blaming others for any response they have to his bad behavior and check his behavior instead.

        People get divorced. They get divorced for all sorts of reasons and they both get through it. The best thing that ever happened was the no fault divorce laws because sometimes it’s just not working.

        My father was a falling down drunk and my mother left him. She told us- a five year old & a three year old – that he had an illness, and he needed to get better but we weren’t going to live with him until he did. When he first stopped drinking, he would sometimes play the victim card but since I’m not the type to smile politely and let people lie straight faced to me, I called him on it and he never did it again.

        In fact, he would tell us what a good job she had done with us.

        Now, if under those circumstances, two working class people with high school educations can behave well, I really don’t have a lot of patientence with people with college educations & middle class lives whining.

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  15. I just found out my sister-in-law wants a divorce. In the last 8 months she has told us, her in-laws, her parents, her clergy, her siblings, who in turn told some of their children, and several friends and co-workers. But she has not talked to her children. While i am sure the kids have figured a lot out, she keeps starting the conversation and stopping expecting her husband to bail her out but he has decided that since she wants the divorce, she gets to tell. I keep thinking “poor kids, they’re going to find out from some random kid as the school.”

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  16. This. If I had spare money.

    You see, a lot of us know, but didn’t *know*. So it isn’t gawking at the accident scene, when you’ve actually clarified something that we couldn’t understand thanks to the civility of the separated couple.

    You tried to anonymise so, yes points for you.

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    1. Yes, SureThing, that’s what I meant too. I wasn’t expecting information and knew I didn’t need it. But clarification is nice.

      And money is nice to have, I’ve heard. *sigh*

      And voodoo dolls. And sisters who have your back.

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  17. She had a very bad January, but she’s doing better now. Plus I wrote a blog post and Krissie’s putting him into a book she just started. Horrible things are going to happen to him in that book. I think the next time we get together, there will be voodoo dolls. That’s what sisters are for.

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  18. Good for you taking the higher road….. It sucks though. I would want to crush a person like a bug for hurting my friend. So great job on your refrain. I do hope all the best for your friend and kids. And I hope she fights for what she deserves and not give into his crap because she is still in shock/or sorrow.

    P.S.: in the weasel picture-they look kind of cute, and he doesn’t deserve any cuteness. Maybe find that is rabid, or in the clutches of the mighty bald eagle. 🙂

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    1. Especially since their site was going to be hers on January 1st and then it became his on January 13th – with her blessing?!

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  19. He WHAT? *froths at mouth* I had heard about the divorce, but everything I’d seen looked amicable…although I found the fact that your friend was blindsided a little suspicious. I guess suspicious was an understatement.

    I feel so bad for the kids, too. Asshat. Asshat. Asshat.

    Sorry, that’s all I’ve got.

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  20. Asshat. I hadn’t heard, and am now furious. He’s an asshat and she and the girls deserve much better.

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  21. I was totally blind sided when, 2 months after our 20th wedding anniversary, my husband announced he was not happy and wanted to move out. That was at the end of January. On Valentine’s Day, he gave me flowers and announced he had found an apartment and was moving out the next day. I thought that was the worst day of my life but it got even worse.

    Several months later I received a call from a man who asked me if I knew my husband (we were not divorced, only living separately and still communicating frequently) was seeing a married woman (his wife). In shock, I called him (my husband) and told him of the phone call. There was a long moment of silence, during which I realized it had to be true, before he admitted it. He claimed that they had started seeing each other after he moved out, not before. All I could think of afterwards was that this only happens in books, not in real life.

    So, even though I don’t know who your friend is, she has my complete sympathy. And the hurt does fade away, eventually. In my case it took several years and even now (6 years later) I still have moments of despair now and then, but they are few and far between and overall I am basically healed from it. I hope she is able to heal from this too.

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  22. My father-in-law left my mother-in-law after 40 years. 40 years! For another woman. Ass hats. They can hide it for a long time.

    I’m sorry for your friend and I hope the new year brings her wonderful things.

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    1. Well, it’s already brought her freedom from That Guy, so she’s goin’ in the right direction.

      I need to take up running again. All of this has brought back my own divorce, which was thirty-six years ago. Between this and Trump, I need to pound something. The pavement would be good.

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  23. Please give her my deepest sympathies. I remember your blog posts from when he first showed up, and I’m sad he turned out to be just another asshole. But she has you and Krissie and if I remember right her kids are both in their teens now? Which, if personal experience is anything to go by, means they probably already know their mom is awesome and not the one who screwed her SO over.

    God, I keep trying not to make/feel sweeping generalizations about the shittiness of men, but every time it seems like another man wants to prove me right…

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    1. My comment usually leaves the sexes out of it. I say, “Geez, people suck. God I’m glad I’m not one of them.”

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  24. There is a lot to be said for owning your awfulness. I’ve had the lifelong problem of looking like a little harmless doll but having the personality of a junkyard dog. LOL It’s really not fair to surprise people, so I had to develop some overtly antisocial mannerisms.

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  25. I just want to say that you probably didn’t need to tweet at him. This is the kind of thing that people figure out one way or another. Engagements right after separations are so telling…

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  26. Jenny – I’ve always loved your stories, and having found this blog, can now say I love the intelligence, wit, and perspicacity (yes, I do receive the AWAD e-mails!) of their author too. Two of your favorite TV series are my favorites as well. If you like wine…well, we may be long-lost sisters! Please say you’ll never stop writing.

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  27. This: If he didn’t want people thinking he was kind of a tool, he shouldn’t have acted like a tool.
    Also, since Trump continues to act like a tool how come people aren’t “seeing” it.
    Argh, indeed!

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  28. I notice that dude in question still has blog describing self as Gentleman Adventurer (amongst other things). Might be time for a bit of an edit.

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  29. I don’t know if this will make your friend feel better or not, but I’ve seen discussion in a few places online, from podcast listeners who only have the scant official information that has been made public — and the unanimous consensus is that your friend is a true class act, and the overwhelming majority strongly suspect that there is high-level asshattery afoot by her soon-to-be-ex. So even with incomplete information, people are definitely smart enough to figure things out.

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    1. I’m one of those people. I basically had the same thought process as above until finding this and having my suspicions confirmed.

      “January: The month of Weasels With No Sense of Shame Who Refuse To Accept Responsibility For Their Weaselhood.” is unfortunately too close to home, as someone I’m close to is currently having a very similar situation happen, including having it play out semi-publicly due to the nature of one of the parties involved. Weasels abound.

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  30. I… just whoa. I… yeah, I got nothing. Whoa. I had a “bad feeling,” I guess, but just attributed it to a suck ass situation? Whoa.

    I wish there was more I could do than lob gifs of fluffy quadrupeds at her on Twitter &, of course, support & promote the hell out of Chipperish.

    Whoa.

    Also: Jenny, I had no idea you still had a Twitter account! I thought you dropped that thing like a hot rock years ago. 😉

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    1. There are two accounts, I think. One is Jennifer Crusie and Mollie uses that to do professional stuff, so I don’t touch it because “unprofessional” is my middle name. Well, actually, it’s “Jo,” but you get my drift.
      And then there’s one I play around with off and on, mostly off because, hey, I blog.
      https://twitter.com/jencrusie

      Generally, anything I have to say, I say here. I get in less trouble that way.

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  31. Well, son of a bitch. I first read this and presumed that I didn’t “know” the friend but I saw the comments from today and realized that I do. Bugger. And this after asshat #1.

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    1. Asshat #1 has matured, apologized, and is now being incredibly supportive, as is his fiancee (who entered the picture long after the divorce). Asshat #1 shall hereafter be referred to as The Good One.

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          1. I actually don’t know. Should go check. I’m trying to keep my hands off.

            ETA:
            YES! We are back.

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  32. Damn. I’ve always had a “shut up you asshole” reaction to Asshat. I’ve always had a “you did NOT just say that” reaction to Asshat. I’ve always wanted to respect the marriage of two people I didn’t really know enough not to speculate about how much of this perceived assholeness was just misinterpretation. I didn’t want to disrespect your Friend by outright calling Asshat an arrogant, sexist piece of crap. But you know, if the shoe fits.

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  33. I debated writing this, but a cynical part of my bitchy brain wonders if this was a self-centered plan to U.S. citizenship. I hope I’m wrong.

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    1. I don’t think he has citizenship. And I don’t think that’s what it was. I think he has a problem, but he’s not Machiavelli.

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